rollotomossey's Journal

Don't know who to vote for? Take this quiz and find out!
According to Time magazine, 28% of voters “get it wrong” by voting for a candidate who does not share their views. This just further validates my point that voting is far too important, too sacred, too necessary to ever be done. It’s like visiting old people in a nursing home: you should revere it and recognize its importance, but don’t ever actually do it.

But many people are unable to see the self-evident truths that I speak. They foolishly and stubbornly cling to their desires to cast their ballot, and in so doing further gash this great country to the point of death. Fortunately for these poor saps, I have magnanimously decided (as your better) to guide you through this process. Just take this simple quiz, tally up your points at the end, and discover your political match of a lifetime.

1. In your opinion, what are the circumstances under which the U.S. should intervene militarily in foreign countries?
A. Only in such cases as it’s morally imperative to act (e.g., to end genocide, to ensure human rights are not trampled, to prevent the broadcasting of soccer, etc.) (Add 1 point)
B. Whenever it is in the best interests of Americans to act, regardless of world opinion or moral right (e.g., to gain resources, to teach those uppity Canadians a lesson, etc.) (Add 5 points)
C. Whenever a country is totally asking for it. (Add 7.5 points)

2. How should the present financial crisis be handled?
A. Through increased regulation and fiscal responsibility. (Add no points; give yourself noogies until I can get there to take over, Poindexter).
B. Give China a really big check, Ed McMahon style. Good luck finding a liquor store that'll cash it, comrades! (Add 10,000,000 points)
C. Hold Venezuela upside down, shake it (Add 15 points)

3. Is health care a basic human right that should be extended universally, regardless of the cost?
A. Yes. It is never ok for anything to die, as it grieves our Earth Mother. (No points awarded, because nobody owns points, man.)
B. No. If everyone had access to treatment for gunshot wounds, it would negate the 2nd amendment, and our defenseless country would be bullied by redcoats, savage Indian savages, and suddenly fearless deer. (Add 6 points, reload as necessary)

4. Gay marriage: fer it or agin it?
A. Fer it. It’s not my responsibility to keep people from ruining their lives. (subtract 2 points)
B. Agin it. Marriage is a sacred institution meant to celebrate the union of two kindred souls, and as such should only be permitted for loving heterosexuals and people who can afford the highest quality brides from Ukraine. (subtract 5 points)
C. All of the above. I support the right of homosexuals to marry, but only if they’re willing to shoulder an additional tax burden proportionate to their level of gayness, as determined on a case-by-case basis by an independent panel consisting of Rick Santorum, that guy that got kicked off of Grey’s Anatomy, and the ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly. (add 25 points)

5. Is it morally permissible to harm the environment or endanger species in order to benefit mankind (e.g., offshore drilling, deforestation, peeing off waterfalls, etc.)?
A. No. The planet belongs to all species equally. My rights are equal to, not greater than, my little Snookie-wookie-bear. Who’s a cutie-wootie with equal rights? Yes you are! Yes you are! (Die.)
B. Yes. The other species don’t want us drilling for oil because they’re pissed they didn’t think of it first. Eat it, polar bears! (Here’s 35 points and a bag of money.)
C. Morally permissible? It’s morally imperative! Global warming is merely the last throes of a natural insurgency, and the only way to ensure victory is though a surge of carbon emissions. (50 points; each point is made from one acre of Brazilian rainforest and three spotted owls)

Now the fun part! Add up your total, and match it below to find your candidate! Or just pick somebody at random! It's not like your vote matters!

0-100 points: JOHN MCCAIN
You are a true patriot believes that freedom is the most important value Americans have, and that it is too precious to be entrusted to foreigners, homosexuals, or poor people. You favor spending whatever it takes to ensure that America’s military is the envy of the world, and you recognize that the only way to pay for it is through tax cuts. You believe that patriotism is what makes America great, and that is best expressed through forced recitation of the pledge of allegiance while looking around to make sure that everyone says “under God” extra loud.

Negative points: barack HUSSEIN obama
You favor 100% tax rates, then using the money to pay for the weddings of homosexual illegal aliens and to fund Hezbollah. You think the only textbook that should be issued in schools is a copy of the Koran, and that the national anthem should be replaced by shouts of “Death to America” while burning a flag, then offsetting the emissions from the flag by beaming love from your innermost chakra. You believe that the key to winning the war on terror is to invite bin Laden over for tofu burgers and a good cry. Bottom line: Iran is that way, my friend (*I’m gesturing vaguely, as I have no idea where Iran is).

It’s none of your damn business how many points I have: BOB BARR

We can each have however many points it takes to make us feel good: RALPH NADER

The Parable of the Ass (or, Why You Shouldn't Vote)
From the book of Murray, chapter 7, verses 19-30:

"And it came to pass in those days that Jesus did walk in to Hebron, and did encounter a young man lying on a stone, weeping. As Jesus passed, the man called out to him, 'Lord, Lord, take pity on me.'

And Jesus did sigh mightily, and motion vaguely in the direction in which He walketh, and turn to the man and sayeth unto him, 'Is this gonna take long? I got a thing.'
And the Lord did mumble something under His breath.

And the man spake unto the Lord, saying, 'I am the son of a wealthy man, who hath given me two asses, saying unto me that I am to choose one. And the other is to be thrown into the fire, where the wicked shall consume him, in accordance with Thy will. Also, I got a bike horn, so verily, that should make either ass a little more bitchin’.'

And the man did throw himself at the feet of the Lord, crying, 'Tell me this day which one I should choose.'

And Jesus did look at him, and say, 'Take ye yon asses to your field, and set them loose; that which ploweth is good and true, yet that which kicketh field goals shalt inherit the kingdom of heaven and leadeth the California Atoms from the cellar in which they dwelleth.'

And the man was greatly confused and troubled in spirit, and wished to question our Lord further, but He had already sneaked off down the road a goodly pace while the man's back was turned."

I’m sure the above parable needs no elaboration, but I will do my best to explain what I believe Jesus would have meant, if He had said those words, or anything even vaguely like them.

America today, like the rich young man in the parable, has an important choice to make. On the one hand, we could elect an ass who will eat our tax dollars, stubbornly reject our calls for leadership, and poop all over our liberties. On the other hand, we could stay home on election day and watch old Don Knotts movies.

Now, there are some nay-sayers and democracy-mongers who will say that it’s your “civic duty” to vote, that every vote makes a difference, and that we get the government we deserve. For ease of reference, we will henceforth refer to these people as “godless, freedom-hating, baby-killing, war-loving, socialist illegal immigrants.” For further ease of reference, we will henceforth refer to these people as “they.”

They will tell you that our forefathers fought and died for our right to vote, and therefore we owe it to them to exercise that right. The fact is, our forefathers fought and died for a lot of dumb reasons, so I don’t think we should take their actions as gospel. Many of us have forefathers who fought and died for the right to own slaves; does that mean that it’s our civic duty to own slaves? Clearly not; slavery is a luxury that should be afforded only to the super-rich.

They will tell you that, unless you get out there and vote, the “other” guy might win, and what a disaster that would be, huh? That’s like saying if you don’t hurry up and reserve your spot in line to get kicked in the balls, you’ll have to stand in the line to get punched in the stomach. Then some jackass will run up to you, look around as if “they’re” watching, and whisper conspiratorially, “The ball-kickers and stomach punchers don’t want you to know this, but there’s another line out there where you can get shot in the foot.” I’m here to tell you that there’s an even better option: staying home, where you can only get shot in the foot by the invisible hand of the free market.

Last, but certainly not least, I just want my fellow Americans to think about something: yourself. Just for a second. Think about all the things you do, all the things you say, all the things you think. Now, be honest: it’s unbelievable how much of an idiot you are, isn’t it? Now think about your friends. If anyone could break your record for stupidity, which may not be possible, then your friends will be the ones to do it. Now realize that most of America is just like you guys. We are, collectively and individually, so head-smackingly idiotic that there is no way in hell we’re qualified to select our imperialist overlords. So do yourself and your idiot friends a favor: don’t vote.

It’s what Jesus was talking about when I put those words in His mouth.

Exciting breakthroughs in homosexuality!
The California Supreme Court's recent decision to overturn the ban on gay marriage has forced me to examine some of my closely-held beliefs on homosexuality. Homosexuality essentially comes in three basic packages:

1. Superhot (girl/girl)
2. Not that hot, so why can't I stop? (penis/penis, a.k.a. Pringles homosexuality)
3. Confusingly superhot (girl with penis)

But now, thanks to the California Supreme Court, even married couples can be gay, and we all know that nothing married people do is hot. So, if gay people are now allowed this basic human right, what else should they be allowed to do? Do any lines need to be drawn? Is anything heterosexually sacred? Does this make I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry the single most influential movie of all time? Luckily, I'm here to answer all these questions for you, provided answering them does not entail watching I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.

Gay people SHOULD be allowed to... marry. The government has no right to tell you who you can or can't marry. Plus, they'll have such fabulous weddings, it'll revolutionize the bridal industry in a way that a complete lack of sex education never could. No more drab white, ladies! You're not fooling anyone anyway! Also this could mean that Erasure could become the greatest wedding reception band of all time.

Gay people SHOULD NOT be allowed to... kick our field goals. Maybe you can throw 11 homosexuals together and get to the red zone behind a power rushing attack and screen passes thrown in for balance, but when the game's on the line, you need to ride a straight leg. A straight, supple, powerful, decently-toned-but-not-overly buff leg, freshly shaved and rubbed down with shea butter. And besides, marriage is an institution that is expendable enough to risk, but our potentially game-winning field goals are too important to be trusted to anyone except foreigners with strong names like Jan or Sebastian or Morten or....wait a second! My God, we're too late!

Gay people SHOULD be allowed to... serve in the military. Because it's not like I'm gonna do it.

Gay people SHOULD NOT be allowed to... adopt children. It's un-American. Our pioneer forefathers wanted children too, and you know how they did it? They made them! The old-fashioned way! That's right, even though our pioneer foremothers were as ugly as the business end of shovels and probably didn't smell too good, our forefathers buckled down and came through in the clutch, so to speak. So, if men are ever gonna be able to have babies, it's up to you, gay people...On second thought, why don't you just go ahead and adopt. I'm not squeezing a little bastard out of my peehole unless I paid a leather-clad shemale $300 to shove him up there in the first place.

Gay people SHOULD be allowed to... hunt humans for sport. Think about it. Wouldn't Queer Eye for the Straight Guy be 1000 times better if, after totally upgrading some poor slob's style, the 5 gay guys turned to him and said ominously, "Now run." And then they got in their limo and sipped champagne while occasionally shooting at the guy with crossbows. I think pretty much every show on television could be drastically improved using this formula (I'm looking at you, Last Comic Standing. Let's add some literalism to that title, shall we?)

Gay people SHOULD NOT be allowed to... win at game shows. They can compete, but at the end their scores/cash prized will be wiped out. This will add an element of intrigue to these things, as our duller, dim-witted contestants will try furiously to "out" whoever's in the lead. And then at the end, Pat Sajak/Alex Trebek will say, "I'm sorry, but you didn't answer in the form of a heterosexual." This will be especially confusing because that statement is completely out of character for Pat Sajak. As a small consolation, Vanna will smile and clap as the loser slinks away.

Besides, bigotry is much more fun when it's arbitrary and stupid, don't you think?

Go, Speed Racer, Go!
Sometimes I see a movie, and it has a monkey in it. I say, "That's awesome, but does it have ninjas?"

Sometimes I see a movie with ninjas and monkeys in it. I say, "That's awesome, but does it have Vikings and Yakuza?"

Sometimes I see a movie with ninjas and monkeys and Vikings and Yakuza in it. I say, "That's awesome, but will it give me epilepsy?

Then I saw Speed Racer.

God bless Speed Racer.

You heard it here first
Alright sports fans, it's almost mid-October, so you know what that means....it's time for my Annual College Football Preview Blowout Extravaganza!!!! Now, while it may be true that by releasing my preview after the sixth week of the season I am privy to some info that other prognosticators didn't have, let me assure you that I ranked these teams before the season began. It just so happens that everything I've predicted has come to pass. That's why I'm the #1 superfan.

Anyway, here goes:

#1. KANSAS JAYHAWKS
A bit of a shocker, I know, but I have them here for good reason. I can demonstrate their worth with the following simple logic exercise. Everyone knows Colt McCoy is the greatest football player in the history of college football; therefore, UT has the greatest team in the history of college football; HOWEVER, they are not better than Kansas State, who in turn are not better than Kansas; THEREFORE, Kansas is #1. I doubt the Jayhawks will give up any points all season or win any games by less than 350 points.

#2. MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
I ranked them this high for one reason: if you look at their schedule, who's gonna beat them? If they get past Notre Dame in week three they will most likely be undefeated on their way to the BCS Championship.

#3. STANFORD CARDINAL
My trademark Crazy-Ass Special. Granted, they've been pretty bad in recent years, but they have a new coach in Jim Harbaugh. Harbaugh, as you remember, was a not-terrible QB in the NFL who came within a Hail Mary pass of leading a not-terrible Colts team to an AFC Championship, which would have led to a pretty-horrific ass-whomping in the Super Bowl. That kind of slightly above-averageness will likely inspire this Cardinal team, who might struggle out of the gate. Look for them to start clicking after they travel to the Coliseum in October, give or take a week.

#4. TIM TEBOW
No, not the Florida Gators. Just Tim Tebow. He'll be especially fun to watch at the Heisman ceremony, when he's handed the bronze statue and it turns immediately to gold.

#5. CALIFORNIA GOLDEN BEARS
According to ESPN magazine, last year USC cornerback Terrell Thomas mocked DeSean Jackson after the wideout only caught two passes in a loss, saying, "I shut you down." Thomas made these comments despite the fact that USC played a zone defense almost exclusively in order to limit Jackson's opportunities to make big plays. I mention this only because I can't imagine that those comments could ever come back to haunt USC, given their all-world pass defense.

#6. LSU GOLDEN TIGERS
I rank them this low because I hate them and I hate Les Miles, who I believe is so dumb even LSU would deny him admission. Also, mark your calendars, as November 3 will mark the first and only time I will ever root for a Nick Saban-coached team (scratch that....let's just call it a Major Applewhite-coached team and I'll feel a lot better).

#7. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES
It's hard to imagine that a team that lost so many key guys from last year could compete for a national title again this year. But then you remember that James Laurinaitis is 1/4 Road Warrior (my formula: his dad, Animal Lauriniatis, was 1/2 Road Warrior, James is 1/2 Animal, 1/2 x 1/2 = 2/4....wait, something's gone terribly wrong here. Damn my LSU education!). The only thing that could stop the Buckeyes is a rival team having Demolition on their offense (now featuring the ghost of Crush!).

#8. SOUTH FLORIDA BULLS
The most amazing thing about this team is they've only had a football team for 11 years, but in that short time they still haven't managed to make me care about them! However, they're still the #2 team in Florida, after only the Jacksonville Jaguars. Jacksonville's in Florida, right?

#9. BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES
Holy shit, Jacksonville's the largest city in Florida! It's the third-most populated city on the East Coast, after only NYC and Philly! Has anyone ever been to or met anyone from Jacksonville? Fun fact: Jacksonville's primary exports are mosquitos and Andrew Jackson.

#10. SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS
They deserve this spot if only because they have the word "cock" in their nickname and a QB named "Smelley." Ergo, their QB is a Smelley Cock. Huh? How 'bout it folks? That's intelligent humor right there. I'll be here all week.*

*Note: I probably will never update again.

Voting for Dummies
As you well know, the presidential elections are almost upon us, a scant 13 months away. If you do not know who you’re voting for by now, I think I speak for everyone when I say America neither needs nor wants you.

Unfortunately, though, there is as yet no law on the books to purge the ignorant and apathetic from the ranks of the patriotic American. So, if you are one of those people who has yet to throw their support blindly behind a candidate, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to make that decision for you.

Basically, the only thing clear about the election is that, if you love freedom, you will vote Republican regardless of who their candidate is, even if it’s just the inanimate corpse of Ronald Reagan (especially if it’s the inanimate corpse of Ronald Reagan). Allow me to explain why.

Republicans have real names.
Do you have a dictionary handy? No? Good. Try to use “Barack” or “Kucinich” in a sentence. Can’t do it, can you? Maybe if you’re a smartass, you can say something like “The soldier was Biden his time before walking into the Baracks,” but then you just look like an ignorant fool who can’t even spell “bearax.”

Meanwhile, the Republicans have strong, functional, American names. Take, for example, this paragraph that I read in a book an older boy lent me:

Slowly, seductively, a Mitt was placed on his Romney; it pumped faster and faster until he could take no more and Guiliani’d all over her Huckabees. Squirming on his Brownback, he rolled over lazily and said, “I just McCain.” Then, for no real reason, he shouted out, “Fred Thompson!”

Now, I don’t know what that meant, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with sound fiscal policy and immigration reform. Speaking of which…

Republicans will bring immigration reform.
If we have a Democrat in the White House, his/her bleeding heart will prevent a tough stance to be taken on immigration, and the invasion will continue unabated. Now, no one has a real problem with illegals if they’re washing our dishes or playing our shortstops, but what if they take the jobs that really matter to Americans, like Governor of New Mexico? What if they flood our unemployment offices and hog our personal-injury lawyers? What will happen to the American way of life then?

But if you vote for, say, a Fred Thompson-Dick Cheney ticket in ’08, you can rest assured of real, concrete reform, by which I mean a full-scale invasion of Mexico. Then, when it’s American soil, we can deport all those Mexicans to Guatemala. Now we have a much smaller border to patrol! The only downside to this plan is that it would require a dramatic increase in military personnel, but we have enough unemployed illegals in this country to pad those ranks nicely.

Hey, you know I was just talking about a Fred Thompson-Dick Cheney ticket? Speaking of which…

Only Republicans can offer the possibility of a Fred Thompson-Dick Cheney ticket.
Can you imagine how awesome that would be? All that glower power in one compact, balding package? They could form a sort of gruff, aging Voltron that chugs crude oil at an alarming rate because President Thompson would not insist on fuel-efficiency standards for Voltron.

So, to sum up, if you were unsure of how to vote before reading this, I’m confident that you will now vote a straight Republican ticket. You’ll try to thank me in November ’08, but I’ll be moving to Guatemala.

I Love the NBA
When I heard that (at least) one NBA official was actively working with the Mafia to alter the outcome of games, I felt only one thing: relief. Sweet, sweet relief. I honestly think it's the only thing that could salvage the league. The first move the NBA needs to make in dealing with this so-called crisis is to immediately re-instate the ref, Tim Donaghy. It would make watching the games far less dangerous to those of us with high blood pressure. Imagine, if you will, the following scenario:

ME: (As my heart rate spikes to the low 300s) What?! That was the worst call I've ever seen! How could that ref be such a colossal idiot?

FELLOW SPECTATOR: Oh, he's not an idiot. He's just crooked.

ME: (As my heart rate drops down to its normal rate in the 160 range) Oh. Well, that makes sense. Good call then.

The worst part about all of this is looking at previous games he refereed, most notably Game 3 of this year's Suns-Spurs series. When it happened, ESPN's Bill Simmons called it "the most atrociously officiated game of the playoffs" and "a travesty." Now, of course, we can chalk it up to biased officiating and move on. But if you watch this video of some of the worst calls made during the game, you'll notice that almost all of them were made by a ref other than Tim Donaghy. Which means that the average NBA ref is actually less competent than a crooked one. Not that this should come as a surprise to anyone who actually watches NBA games, but still.

Another way for the NBA to deal with this brouhaha is to embrace it and incorporate it into future games. I personally would like to see each game turned into a sort of auction. Imagine if whenever a ref blew his whistle, representatives from each team stepped forward and started bidding on the call. Highest bid gets the call, and the ref and losing team split the money 50/50. That way we'd at least have equal opportunity dirty refs, and the auctions would provide a subplot that would often be more entertaining than the actual games. Other added bonuses would be that the Suns could potentially get enough money from this to actually be able to pay their players, and they're already used to having dubious calls go against them. The only downside I see is that Mark Cuban would be broke before the preseason was over.

Back in Black
Well, I'm back (again), returning to Livejournal because my attention-whoring needs were not satisfied on myspace. So now I'll follow the route of some of my attention-whore friends, and post on both myspace and Livejournal. Now that I'm posting to two sites, however, I expect my production to be halved. That's right, just when you thought I couldn't get any lazier, I go even less further than you would expect.

Anyway, the two posts below this one represent my entire production during the ill-fated myspace era. One of them is already quite dated, unless of course you read OK! magazine religiously.

Mr. Fantastic: A Short Story
"Another cold day in hell," I growled, a half-lit cigar clenched between my teeth as I pulled out into the hot June-time sun. I pounded the accelerator down to the floor, my tires screeching on the hot asphalt. I kept one eye open for the 5-0 as my speedometer crept past 25 mph.

My tires screeched again as I was forced to slam on the brakes. "Son of a...." I growled, allowing the epithet to linger in the air unfinished, like the smoke from a half-lit cigar. Traffic was backed up for kilometers. Miles and miles of kilometers.

I looked down to check the time. "Dammit to hell," I swore, as I remembered I didn't have a watch. Checking the location of the blazing sun, I estimated the time: daytime. That could only mean one thing: I was late. I quickly ran down my options, settling on the only one that made any damned sense: honking my horn.

"Hey," said the guy in the car on the opposite side of me. "Don't be an asshole."

I pretended I hadn't heard and tried to roll up my window nonchalantly, as if it was a completely unrelated action. Traffic began to move, and I summoned all the courage I had to try to speed away from him and his dagger-sharp wit.

As I left him further and further behind, a shattering revelation hit me like the stopped car onto which I was coming way too fast. Sweat rolled down my face in torrential torrents as the staggering realization sank in. That had been that actor guy.

I threw my car into reverse and floored it. My head was pounding like so many honking car horns. Finally, mercifully, I met up with him again. I rolled my window down in the same nonchalant manner in which I had previously up-rolled it.

I began to say "Hey" when I realized he had said it earlier and, if I said it, it would look like I had copied him. Not wanting to waste the "h" sound, I thought quickly and changed it to "hola." He looked confused, checkmated by my mastery of the world's languages. "You're Captain Fantastic," I continued.

He looked dumbfounded, as if he couldn't figure out which of the mighty gods of Olympus had set my mind ablaze with this insight. "Close enough," was all he could finally muster.

"Oh yeah?" I countered. "Do something elastical then."

I could see in his eyes that I had defeated him. The realization that he had been bested by a strange, handsome man washed over him. With a click of my tongue and a finger-point gun thing, I stomped on the gas and backed out of his life forever.

R.I.P., Anna Nicole
I've always wanted to try my hand at poetry, but I've never felt the icy touch of inspiration stabbing at my heart. Now, recent heartstabbing events have caused that same inspiration to strike in the darkness like a lightning bolt. A dark, shadowy lightning bolt which gives off no light. A darkning bolt. And so, without further ado, here is my Ode to Anna Nicole:

Oh Anna, my Anna,

It seems like only yesterday you came into my life.

Your boobs bouncing like two big, bouncy breasts.

You were so much more to me, though.

Mainly, you were a pair of tits that may or may not have had a face;

I never really noticed.

If only they gave a Nobel Prize for knockers.

Anyway, I first met you at the picture show,

and you made me happier than I'd ever been.

Because, without you, I don't think Leslie Nielsen would have ever had another erection.

That's something special that we'll share forever,

in this world and the next.

Assuming we still care about Leslie Nielsen's erections in the next world.

How could we not?

So sleep sweetly, my Anna,

knowing you'll be in my thoughts so long as there are naked pictures of you on the internet.

Because I have no problem with lusting after a dead chick.

Isn't that right, Aaliyah?

I know this will come as a shock to all my loyal readers who are used to my thrice-weekly updates, but this LJ is now officially kaput. In the future, anytime I feel the need to transcribe my moronic ideas for posterity, I will post to my myspace page. That is all.

An Open Letter to David Stern
Dear David,

It's been quite a ride we've had, hasn't it? I can still remember, way back in the '90s, when you were the cool kid I was afraid to approach. I wanted to be with you, but I was scared to get too close because you used to hang around with that filthy slutbag whore from Chicago. As I cried myself to sleep at night, asking myself why you were with him, I'd try to convince myself that I really never wanted to be with you at all. I tried to tell myself we'd never work, and my life would be better if I just forgot about you entirely.

And you know what? I thought it was working. I thought I didn't care anymore, would never care again. But deep in my heart, I knew better. I knew that I was lying to myself when I said I'd follow you out of mere curiosity, I knew I was lying when I said I didn't care what happened to you or who you were with. I knew that checking your Myspace page every other day to see who was leaving comments and glancing at the pics you posted was not the behavior of a disinterested person. I knew the anger I felt when I'd see you drinking Zimas with Ginobili or chasing skirts with Kobe was not the anger of an impartial observer. All these lies came crashing down this year, when I heard that you had changed, that you had somehow cleansed yourself of the Jordanian stink that had followed you around for years. I had to see for myself, and when I did...I couldn't help it. I fell in love with you again. I didn't plan for it to happen, I didn't really even want it to happen, but somebody set a pick that gave you an open lane to my heart.

So I let you back in my life. And then one day a couple months ago, you showed up at my door in that bright yellow sundress, and you brought me a puppy to show how you had changed for good this time. I named that puppy Hope, and oh how I loved to play with him! I'd rush home at night to pick him up and twirl him around in my arms. His coat was so thick and luxurious, like Steve Nash's hair. It felt so good to love again. I thought my happiness would last forever.

Then one day you offered to take Hope for a walk, and I gave you my blessing...but with it I also gave you my heart. I had but one request, and I made it clear. "Take him," I said, "but just don't take him down by the old Riley place. I don't want him playing with the dogs there. You know the dogs I mean, the big one named The Most Ungodly Form of Boring Basketball Known to Man, and the other one, the little yippy one with the two eyepatches they call Shitty Officiating. I don't like the looks of those dogs."

And you swore to me you wouldn't, and I trusted you. Then I open my door and what do I see? Poor Hope lying at my feet, dead and bloody and mangled and dead. And where were you? You were standing at the end of my driveway, petting those other two damn dogs and letting them lick your face. You looked just like the Bad Boy my mother had always warned me you were. You were laughing at me, celebrating your murder of the love that I had worked so hard to nurture. That, David, I cannot forgive.

This time I mean it. I'm through with you, and I'm never going to let myself fall for you again. My heart just can't take it anymore. It was a good thing we had, David, but now it's buried in the yard by the septic tank. You know who else is buried there, David? That's right. Hope. Maybe someday I can forgive you, but I can never love you again.

Brokenheartedly Yours,
Quincy Miller

All hail my triumphant return to the LiveJournal.

Thank you. I haven't posted for awhile for several reasons. First, I've actually been something that approaches what one might call "busy." I've been working a lot to pay the taxman, and I'm in a play (more on this later). Second, I haven't really had anything happen or occur to me that I felt was post-worthy. Third, and most importantly, I just don't care.

Anyway, the play I'm in isn't really a play at all. Ha! I had you going! Stupid you. Anyway, it's a night of one act plays, called "A Night of Comedic Sluggers" or some such nonsense, and I'm in 3 of them. The best 3 of them. So, if you're a person who likes things that are great, you'll want to see me, both in person and in the play. The show goes up the last weekend of April and the first weekend of May. I can personally guarantee you that it will be the best show you will ever see.*

(*Provided it is the only show you ever see. Furthermore, if it is the only show you ever see, the guarantee is non-binding.)

Huh. Now that I've written all this, I've realized I still don't have anything post-worthy to say.

Thank God for granting me this moment of clarity...
A few things:

-It seems the Muslim world is up in arms over some comics, and they want some blood. When I first heard about this, all I could do was shake my head and say, "Oh, Funky Winkerbean, when will you learn?" Turns out, though, these cartoons are pictures of Mohammed with a bomb for a turban, with Xs for eyes so we know he's drunk, roaming around his neighborhood with little dashes marking his circuitous route, trying to kick a football but having it yanked away at the last minute by that bitch Lucy, etc. The problem is that the Muslims consider this to be blasphemy, and surprisingly enough, they're not big fans of blasphemy.

This is one of the fundamental disagreements that Muslims and I have. See, nothing turns over my ticklebox like some good ol' blasphemy. This is an American thing. We've turned Jesus into a cartoon superhero whose powers rival some of the lesser X-Men. In fact, if they ever elect me Pope, I might do away with the Bible all together and just turn the Gospel into a comic book series. Jesus would be a lot buffer, and He'd always wear a camouflage headband but never a shirt. Also we'd have to tweak his policies on non-violence a little. Here's how I picture a couple of pages from Jesus Man: Vol. 1 (NOTE: the following is gonna require a lot of imagination on your part, so I understand if you just skip it):

1st panel: Jesus Man has his back turned, and behind Him Judas & Co. are approaching. In the upper right hand corner of the panel, a text box reads: "JUDAS." Lower right hand corner, another text box: "I could smell him anywhere. He was coming for his 30 pieces of silver."

2nd panel: Close up on Jesus Man's eyes. We can see the fire and fury in them. Text box in lower right hand corner: "But I had something else for him....30 pieces of BRASS..."

3rd panel: Jesus Man whips around with a semiautotic weapon, opening fire into Judas & Co., gunning them all down in a most gruesome manner.

I think Christians and Muslims alike could agree that there's nothing to get angry about there.

-Speaking of gunning people down, has there ever been a Vice President as gangsta as Dick Cheney? I know Aaron Burr killed a guy while in office, but I just get the feeling he'd know better than to freak with Cheney. I can just see John Kerry or Hilary or someone like that walking to a lectern to give a speech, but then Cheney walks up from behind in his prison jumpsuit with a bandanna around his head, pulling out a homemade shiv and shanking the dude 4 times, then walking away before the guards start asking questions. You know that scene in Training Day where Denzel's character goes to meet with the 3 old white dudes, and you know that, as bad as Denzel is, even he doesn't mess with these guys? I get the feeling those guys answered to Cheney. I'd say Cheney is like Keyser Soze, but I think that's a bit of an understatement. I just pray I get the chance to vote for him in '08.

Meh
-So I was walking through the mall today, and I noticed that Champs Sports had a Matt Hasselbeck jersey in the window. Matt Hasselbeck. Who goes into that store and plunks down x number of dollars (I have no idea how much jerseys are anymore) and says, "I love Matt Hasselbeck, and I want the world to know! Please, storekeep, allow me to purchase a replica of said quarterback's fieldwear!"

Which brings me to my next point, which is in fact a continuation of a point I made in the previous post. There is no excuse for the Seahawks ever being in the Super Bowl. Now, I realize they had the 2nd best record in the NFL and won each of their playoff games, but can anyone think of a worse team than the Seahawks? At least the Steelers have a proud history. Of course, their current team is a disgrace to that history, but at least they have something going for them. I think that, at the conclusion of Sunday's game, Paul Tagliabue should shatter the Lombardi trophy and say, "There will be no Super Bowl champion this year!", then stride purposefully off the stage.

-My previously stated plan to see many of the current critically acclaimed films before the Oscars is chugging along nicely, as this Friday I saw a film that will likely be a Best Picture nominee. Yep, I'm talking about Underworld: Evolution. It's the sequel to the film that dared ask the question, "What's cooler than vampires?......Vampires with guns!" It stars Kate Beckinsale as the hot chick who does stuff and Scott Speedman as the Peyton Manning of werewolves (all hype, no championships at any level). The great thing about these movies is that none of the characters ever stop shooting their guns. Even simple dialogue is punctuated by gunfire. It's like being at a Mexican wedding. The thing about that, though, is that the bullets do nothing. Thousands of completely ineffectual rounds are fired in this movie, and ultimately the only way to kill somebody is to rip their head off.

Also, there is a guy in the film who was apparently cast after the producers said they wanted someone "like Judi Dench, except less masculine." Worth the price of admission right there.

Same ol' Osama
Much has been made of the recent bin Laden tape in which he apparently offers the U.S. some sort of truce. Most people rejected this truce offer immediately, as they refuse to back down until he's either dead, behind bars, or forced to play with Kobe on the Lakers. However, I think it's time to at least consider a deal with bin Laden, as it's becoming increasingly clear that the war on terror is a tad bit more involved than we originally thought. We can't even define what would constitute "victory" over terror, as there's no capitol to capture or treaty to sign; even killing or arresting bin Laden would likely be little more than a moral victory.

The question arises, though, if we do reach a truce with bin Laden, where do we go from there? Where does bin Laden go? After all, he's kinda built his life around this terror thing; it would be hard to transition to day trading or taking a sales job or something. Therein lies the solution, though, I think: since the U.S. and bin Laden have become in many ways mutually dependent, why break them up when the war's over? Here are some ways we could put him to use that would work out beautifully for both sides, I believe:

Let MTV build a show or shows around him.
Who wouldn't tune in to Real World: Mujahideen? Who wouldn't want to get the inside scoop on Al Qaeda? I would watch every week to hear Muhammad Atef bitch about Osama using all the fake tanner for his newest video, or Osama getting pissed when Zawahiri is too busy clubbing in Kabul to plan a terror strike.

If that didn't work out, I bet we could talk MTV into bringing back Dismissed for a single, special, Osama-thon. Just take your standard 19 year old hot chick, some goofy skateboarder dude, and add a dash of bin Laden, and you've got yourself one spicy curry dish. Highlights would include Osama taking his date to a public stoning, using his timeout card to "be alone with the American slut-whore," and, at the date's conclusion, saying he "jihad the time of his life."

Let him and Saddam have their own "American Idol" type show, except with fundamentalist dictators.
This would kill two birds with one stone. There would be worldwide auditions to see who the most bloodthirsty genocidal maniacs were, and then there would be a season long competition to decide who was best suited to have their own small country. The judges would be Osama, Saddam, and Kelly Ripa. Viewers would tune in to see Osama and Saddam tear apart the dreams and talents of young fanaticists, while Kelly tried to keep encouraging them, saying things like, "You know, if I were a disenfranchised minority in your country, I think you'd do a fantastic job of systematically destroying me and my people."

Saddam and Osama, though, would be merciless in their criticisms, but also lavish with their praise:
"What is this infidel goatee? Beard or mustache, nothing else. Famous person with mustache: Tom Selleck. Famous person with goatee: Colonel Sanders. I rest my case."

"You call that a bloody regime? I'd overthrow you so fast it'd make your head spin. In fact, your head probably would spin, after the revolutionaries chopped it off in the town square."

"You think you could be al Qaeda? That was more like 'al gayda."

"Wonderful. Simply amazing. That was 'fatwa' with a P H."

Give him his own sitcom.
Bet it'd last longer than Heather Graham's, anyway. Zing!

Cut Loose, Footloose.....
This week, in Red Zone Penetration (you didn't think I was really gonna follow through with that, did you?):

-Had a couple people over last night and we watched a movie called Das Experiment. It's a German movie that's based on the INfamous Stanford Prison Experiment. Basically, there's a psychology experiment in which people are chosen at random to be guards and prisoners, and then hilarity ensues. Or not. It was a pretty intense movie, and it serves as further proof of one of the basic laws of humanity: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

-Speaking of Germans, I gotta tell ya, The Colbert Report has surpassed The Daily Show as the best program on television. Daily Show has been slipping for awhile, and now their only solid correspondent is Rob Cordry. The only edge it still has over Colbert Report is in the interviews, but that should change once Colbert finds the delicate balance between talking and shutting up.

-I know it's a little late for college football-related posts, but I feel like I have to address the allegations that I have sold out the Trojans to become an orange-blooded Longhorn. Tut, tut, I say unto thee. I still like the Trojans and root for them, I just hated all the hype they were getting. "Best team of all time?" It wasn't even the best USC team of the past 3 years. "Reggie Bush the best college player ever?" He wasn't even the best player on his team. "Matt Leinart killed a guy over a Mexican hooker and the deed to an old silver mine?" Well, I can kinda see that one.

But there's more to this than the Trojans simply being overrated. Something darker, evil-er, not good-est. Hyperbole is invading every aspect of our world, and it's slowly choking out honest debate. It started, I think, with the moronic idea that Michael Jordan was clearly the best NBA player of all time. Now every time there's a great game or player, it's automatically "the best ever," such as this year's Rose Bowl. That game has not only been called the best game ever, but Vince Young supposedly gave the best performance ever. My dear readers, I firmly believe that hyperbole is clearly the single biggest threat to mankind in the history of the human race. I beg of you, please, bring back the apathy that I loved so much in the '90s. It's our only hope.

-As for the Super Bowl, is it too late to just call it off? Steelers-Seahawks? Really? That's the best we can do? Can anyone come up with two other teams that more people would care less about? I know, I know, people in Seattle and Pittsburgh are going crazy over this game, which I believe is simply further proof that it's a bad idea. If they do insist on playing the game, though, I think each team should have to play Terrell Owens for a half.

-And finally, I have decided to abandon everything in my life and dedicate myself to becoming the next chessboxing world champion. That is all.

Back up in your ass with the resurrection....
I've made a big decision in regards to this LJ. There's been something missing for quite a while, but I haven't been able to put my finger on just what. I knew it was something snazzy, something jazzy, something criz-zazzy....but what? I made a list of all the things that it was missing, like accurate facts, sensible opinions, or crab fisherman porn. None of that was the problem. Then it hit me...I need to give it a snazzy, jazzy, criz-zazzy name like all the columnists on espn.com and si.com have, something like First and Ten, Full Court Press, or Unsportsmanlike Conduct. That way, when I want to update but I don't have enough idiocy on a certain topic to devote a whole entry to it, I can just title it Four Balls or something instead of just writing "A few things:". So, it is without further ado that I present you with the first edition of Quincy Miller's Red Zone Penetration:

-If there's one thing the Rose Bowl taught us, it's that I was right about everything I ever said about anything. To be more specific, Reggie Bush es muy malo. No me gusta. Este plato es demasiado picante, senor. Anyway, rest assured I giggled like a diabolical villain with a handlebar mustache when he decided to pull a Vince Young and just pitch the ball to....whomever, really.

-On a related note, I have doubts that even Reggie Bush could be that stupid. My theory is that both he and Leinart are desperately trying to do whatever they can to plummet in the draft. Last year, Leinart decided to return and play his senior year, risking millions of dollars, metric tons of fame, and multiple glass vials of glory for the chance to come back to a school where he had nothing left to accomplish. This might sound strange to some people, but you have to remember that if he'd gone pro, he'd be playing for the 49ers right now. So when it comes down to it, coming back was a no-brainer.

Bush, meanwhile, has almost certainly decided to go pro. But you can't tell me that the prospect of playing for the Texans, Saints, or Jets doesn't have him concerned. So I think that he wasn't honestly trying to score with that lateral; I think he was sending a message to those teams that you never know what he's gonna do, in the hopes they'd pass on him and he'd fall to a decent team. I'm pretty sure Pete Carroll gave Lendale White the ball on that 4th and 2 because he was concerned Bush might try a pooch punt.

As a matter of fact, if you look at Bush and Leinart's stats this season, they had their best games when a team other than those three was in line to have the #1 pick in the draft. I can't think of a more convincing argument than that. (Note: my use of "as a matter of fact" is not intended to give the impression that the previous statement was factually based in any way whatsoever.)

-Now, about the draft: the Texans will be as dumb as Cowboys if they take Bush with the first pick. They've got no line, no real passing game, and a quality tailback, so what do they need? A speedy tailback who can't block and has shown no signs of durability, obviously. Their only real options are to take an offensive lineman like D'Brickashaw Ferguson (I may have just made that name up) or to trade down.

What should the Saints do with the #2 pick, then? Take Vince Young, of course. If anyone can take over Aaron Brooks's QB spot, it's Aaron Brooks Lite (same flashy moves, more dumb turnovers!). No, they should take Leinart. If your team takes Vince Young with a top 10 pick, then your team isn't trying (looking at you, Raiders). The Jets are the team with the highest pick that could take Bush and have it be a halfway intelligent choice.

-All the movie award nominations are coming out, and I've come to realize that I haven't really seen any movies this year. So I'm hoping to see most of the major critically-acclaimed movies by Oscar time, and I'll give my reviews here, because I know you care.

Anyway, the last movie I saw was Chronicles of Narnia, and I think it narrowly edges out War of the Worlds for Most Unrealistic Ending. I'm gonna go ahead and say what everyone else was thinking: if Aslan doesn't catch the White Witch by surprise, no way he wins that fight. No freaking way. She'd be wearing an ice cold lion pelt right now. She was nine kinds of bad, my friends. I've never been more attracted to a woman in my entire life. Also, whoever was in charge of casting the voices for the animals was stupid. Liam Neeson is good as Aslan, yes, but can anyone honestly say he was better than Antonio Banderas would've been? Wouldn't the movie have been 10 times better if Banderas had voiced all the animals, and played every character? I need somebody to put me in charge of a major studio, fast.

Oh, and there might've been spoilers in the last paragraph. But only if you're stupid.

Long Live the King
So this past Thursday I saw King Kong. When I first heard about it, I thought it sounded pretty boring, and I couldn't figure out how they could possibly make a movie about a big gorilla interesting. Then, I saw the previews, what with the T-Rexes and the fighting and all, and I decided it could possibly be highly entertaining. Also, it got gushing reviews from all the top critics. But then, just a few hours before going to the movie, I discovered that it was 3 hours long. There is no excuse for a movie to ever be three hours long. The entire Lord of the Rings trilogy should've been wrapped up in about an hour and forty five minutes, in my opinion (the six Star Wars films, meanwhile, should have never even been made in the first place). So my hopes were low at first, then got fairly high, then were dashed, all before the movie even started.

But I decided to give ol' Pete and Kong the benefit of the doubt. The gist of the film is that Jack Black is a movie director who wants to shoot a film on the legendary Skull Island, despite the fact that no one has ever actually been there before and there's a good chance that the natives wouldn't recognize U.S. copyright law. But he finagles a bunch of people on a ship to go find this place, which takes a full hour (the voyage was apparently shot in real time, but with all the interesting parts edited out). In fact, here's a breakdown of the film:

FIRST HOUR: Nothing happens.
SECOND HOUR: Sheer carnage!
THIRD HOUR: Nothing happens.

Clearly, the second hour was the most entertaining part of the film, so it's the section I'll deal with in my review. There are probably spoilers ahead, but that's not my problem. I've already seen it.

Once they get to the island, they discover that it's actually a repository for everything evil and wicked that's ever existed. The previews made it clear that the heroes had to deal with vicious natives, hungry dinosaurs, ferocious insects, and Kong. That's just the tip of the iceberg, however. They also have to fight off Nazis, bats, tremors (yes, tremors!), Mexican wrestlers, ninjas, orcs, terrorists, Frenchmen, King Kong Bundy, Ivan Drago, Vikings, and all manner of demonry. It's a rough couple of hours, believe you me. Luckily, Adrien Brody and Jack Black are up to the challenge. Unfortunately, they're about the only ones, as everybody else pretty much bites it.

Apparently, every single creature on that island feeds only on humans, as they ignore any other food source. You know the big T-Rex fight scene in the previews? Well, there are actually three T-Rexes, and they all want to eat Naomi Watts, even if it means getting killed by Kong to do so. One T-Rex kills a two ton lizard, then abandons the carcass in order to fight Kong over the 120-pound Watts. Still, that's not as ridiculous as the scene in which a pack of velociraptor-like dinosaurs start a brontosaurus stampede. Once the bronto herd gets moving, the lead animal trips, creating a 50-brontosaurus pileup. There's prolly 100 tons of meat just lying there, dead, for the velociraptors. They've won the freaking carnivorous dinosaur lottery! They never have to hunt again; they can just spend the rest of their lives sitting in their underwear watching soap operas, because hey, there's 100 tons of meat right there! So what do they do? They abandon the brontos to chase the humans, getting shot in the process (don't worry, it's even more ridiculous than I've made it sound). As Bill Walton would say, that's just a horrible decision.

Even worse than the ridiculousness of the scene, however, is that it looks bad. You know how in old movies when people would drive a car, they'd just have the stars sit in a stationary vehicle and then play a video of moving scenery behind them? That's pretty much what Peter Jackson did. Adrien Brody & Co. were just running in place, and every now and then they'd occupy the same space at the same time with a brontosaurus, but eventually the laws of physics would re-assert themselves and they'd reappear. It really bothered me because it was in that gray area where the special effects aren't good, but they're not bad enough to be enjoyable. If the technical team couldn't have gotten the stampede to look right, I'd have much preferred it if they'd just abandoned the FX entirely, and had a bunch of guys in brontosaurus suits chase Adrien Brody. I'd pay 10 bucks to see that, maybe even several times.

So if you haven't seen this movie yet, then my review has saved you some money. If you've already seen it, then my review has just wasted even more of your life. However, if there's just one thing that you remember from this review, make it this:

I'm serious about the tremors.

So, I've been away for awhile, and a lot's happened without me weighing in on it. I'm surprised the country has continued to function without the benefit of my cheeky and irreverant commentary, to be honest. I can't take the chance that it'll continue, though, so here's my take on the biggest stories that happened while I was gone. The #1 story, without a doubt, was...

Ric Flair Arrested for Assault

The Nature Boy was arrested after an apparent episode of road rage. I hardly know where to start with this one. First of all, it's shocking to me that a 60 year old professional wrestler could lack judgment and discernment, or be incapable of functioning in polite society. Second, how would you react if an irate person pulled up behind you, honked his horn repeatedly and made obscene gestures, got out and attacked your car, and then you saw it was Ric Flair? I would be absolutely unable to stop laughing, which would probably enrage him more, and most likely lead to me being placed in a figure four leglock. Also, and most pressing, how does one prosecute a pro wrestler? Aren't they, by definition, not guilty by reason of insanity? If Flair's smart, he'll represent himself. Imagine the trial!

Prosecutor: The state calls Ric Flair to the stand. Mr. Flair, is it true you physically and verbally assaulted the plaintiff?

Flair: WHOOOOOO!

Prosecutor: Your Honor, he just slapped me on the chest!

Judge: I'm gonna allow it.

Also, I think Flair should be played by Mark Hamill in the inevitable TV movie.

Bush's Immigration Reform

Ol' G Dub has been pushing this pretty hard, even going so far as to stop at the El Paso Airport to tout his policies (of course, he wouldn't go so far as to actually leave the airport, but who can blame him?). There's a lot of debate over how to handle this one for some reason, even though the answer is clear. We need to create a vast and ineffective bureaucracy that will mismanage the problem and trample our civil rights. Bush already has experience with this sort of solution. Of course, you've gotta have someone with dubious credentials to run it. With that in mind, I nominate...

Bowser, King of the Koopas: He already has experience dealing with unwanted visitors of ethnic origins. Plus, the border would be greatly improved with the addition of lava pits, twirling balls of fire suspended in midair, and roving patrols of pissy turtles. All Border Patrol vehicles would be auctioned off, and proceeds would be used to buy a fleet of ice cream trucks that played the "Mario Bros." theme song on a constant loop.

Anyone who could cross such a border would be considered a welcome addition to the country, and we could determine how much of the American Dream they would be allotted by how high up they were able to jump on a flag pole. The only downside is that we'd likely be overrun by Italians, since Bowser's had trouble with those in the past. But who has a problem with that?

Democrats Call for Iraq Pullout

The Dems want us out of Iraq pronto, the Repubs say the entire region will be plunged into turmoil if we leave. Problem is, the death toll is mounting at a higher rate during the occupation than when we were actually at war. This makes the answer clear, in my opinion. The Bush Administration is incredibly adept at invading countries, but sucks royally at actually occupying and rebuilding them. So, why don't we pull all of our troops out to Kuwait and see what happens (I thought about saying, "...and 'Kuwait' and see what happens" but I figured that might cause people's funny bones to simply explode).

If the country rebuilds itself as a stable, democratic country, then all's well for everybody, and it didn't cost us anymore. If it is plunged into chaos, or another genocidal dictator comes to power, we can just invade again! We're good at that! Then just repeat as necessary. It should also work in Korea, Syria, Iran, and Mexico.

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